Between Dusk and Dawn
by stardust2002
Summary: Post season finale fic - SPOILERS - story begins right during the last scene. Castle/Beckett, full cast of characters. Near death experiences often prompt life changing decisions.
1. Chapter 1

**~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~**

_Chapter One ~ Ice Fire_

"I love you Kate."

Her eyes stared at him uncomprehendingly and then closed, body going limp as the life drained out of her.

It broke him.

Castle gathered her into his arms, holding her against his chest, their hearts pressed together as her lifeblood drained out and permanently stained him.

"I love you. I love you. I love you Kate." He whispered the words over and over as if in the repetition they would magically become something more, something that could save her, could bring her back. He'd sworn to save her from herself. He'd promised Jim Beckett he'd keep her alive. He'd given his vow to Montgomery that he'd do anything to save Kate even if she herself fought it. He had, but it hadn't been enough. This time he'd been too slow; hadn't been able to put himself between her and the instrument of death that had finally caught up with her.

"I love you, Kate. I love you."

Dimly, through his chanting, he became aware of voices close by.

"Let me see her."

He held her tighter. "I love you Kate."

"Castle, put her down."

"I love you. I love you."

"Castle put her down so Lanie can examine her," the voice repeated. Esposito.

"I've got a pulse!"

A hand touched his shoulder.

A female voice screeched at him. "She's still alive Castle! Put her down so I can save her!"

The tiny woman tore her out of his arms as strong hands gripped him and held him back.

"I love you! I love you Kate!" Castle called out urgently, ironically more terrified of losing her once she was out of his arms and being attended by a doctor.

"Kate!"

"It's okay buddy," Ryan said comfortingly but there were no low tones in his voice, only a high-pitched strung-out fear. "She'll be okay. Lanie will keep her alive 'til the ambulance gets here."

He watched in frustrated helplessness as Lanie ripped open Kate's dress uniform, revealing her bra-clad chest, crimson with blood. Time seemed to stand still as she began CPR and applied pressure to the wound.

"I love you," he repeated still, his voice barely a whispered plea. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. "I love you, Kate. Please … "

Voices raised penetrated his consciousness as the ambulance arrived.

"Gunshot wound to the chest."

"Missed the heart I think."

"Need to get a transfusion started immediately."

"Blood type B positive."

"Oxygen, stat."

"Pulse is weak and thready."

"Blood pressure's all over the map."

Ninety seconds later they had her loaded in the back of the vehicle, hooked up to numerous machines and ready to be taken away. Castle rose to his feet. "Kate, Kate .. " he said brokenly, but though he wanted to be by her side, Jim Beckett, greyer and suddenly very old looking, was the one who rode with her. They bore her body away in a blaze of light and noise and speed.

Castle wept.

**xxxxx**

They sat at the hospital together, Castle, Martha, Alexis, Ryan, Jenny, Esposito, Lanie and Jim - more family now than ever before, bound in a way that only shared sorrow could bind. Shocked silence turned to whispered conversations as the hours passed.

Castle was aware of none of it. All he saw was Kate's face, pale, shocked, immobile, in front of him. His only words were still for her.

_Take it from someone who's better than halfway through the movie. Don't waste another minute of it._

Martha always gave sound advice. He wished he could have taken it. Oh how he wished he could have but by the time it was given the die had already been cast. He could have tried to tell her but Kate would have brushed the emotions away, her only thoughts then for her surrogate father, absolved, loved, dearly missed.

Now it was too late. Her life hung in the balance. Her blood had stained through his shirt and the warmth of it on his chest made him feel paradoxically closer to her than ever before.

"I love you Kate."

Alexis took his hand. Martha, on his other side, held his arm. "You'll get a chance to tell her yet. She's strong, she's a fighter. She'll pull through."

_If anything happens to her … _

He still didn't know how to finish that sentence. Prose was easy to write; words that described the stories in his head flowed easily. Verbalizing that which resided in the deepest parts of his heart and soul didn't come easy. Never had.

_If anything happens to her … _

All he knew was that he couldn't let it. But he had. He'd loved her and tried to use that love as a shield but it hadn't been enough. He'd failed her.

**xxxxx**

The hours wore on and still she was in surgery. Lanie had tried to be positive but he'd seen the paleness under her dark skin and heard the desperation in the medical examiner's voice. It was touch and go and the odds weren't good.

People began to leave, first Ryan and Jenny - apologetic and begging to be kept informed. Then Esposito and Lanie, lastly Martha and Alexis, hugging him though he sat stiffly, unable to return the affection.

As darkness enveloped the warm spring evening, only he and Jim Beckett were left. Waiting. Praying. Silent.

"I love her," Castle finally whispered, eyes still glued to the floor. It was a plea for absolution, forgiveness for not fulfilling his promise, more than a declaration.

"I know you do."

In the other man's voice he heard understanding and a part of him was both grateful and pleased that Jim shared his daughter's quick intelligence and perceptiveness.

"I _love_ her," he repeated, fiercely this time, fresh tears wetting his eyes. "I should have told her sooner. Right before she was shot wasn't … "

"Katie isn't the easiest person to talk to about feelings. You must know that if you've spent three years with her." Jim smiled sadly and Castle finally turned to meet his eyes, a frisson of surprise filling him as he saw how much Kate's father had aged in the last few hours. He wondered if he himself had aged as well; figured he probably had.

"It doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings, she just doesn't like to show them."

"I understand why she keeps the hurt hidden but the happiness? Or doesn't she ever feel happy? She smiles on the outside but you know that inside - " Castle trailed off, unable to find words.

Jim studied him for a moment. "I think she's afraid to let herself be happy. Afraid that she'll be betraying her mother somehow by not keeping her grief front and centre."

"She's let such a hard life," Castle said sadly. "I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy."

Jim reached across the table and touched his hand, much like Martha had in their heart to heart only a day ago. "Nothing would make me happier, Rick. I want my girl to have peace and happiness in her life."

"She won't though, not until it's over."

"It may very well be already." Jim's voice broke and he covered his face with his hands.

Richard Castle felt his heart break all over again and struggled to keep his own tears back.

**xxxxx**

"Mr. Beckett?"

Both men's heads snapped up. "Yes?"

The surgeon ran a tired hand through his hair and sat with them.

"How is she?" Jim asked, voice shaky.

"She's alive."

Castle saw the man's weariness; no surprise after six hours of surgery.

"The next forty-eight hours are critical. The bullet tore a hole in her left lung and nicked a main artery. She lost a lot of blood and is on a respirator. I'll be honest with you. Her chances aren't very good."

"Can I see her?"

The surgeon nodded. "Just a couple of minutes. She's very weak."

Castle stood with them. The surgeon put a hand up to stop him. "Only one visitor please."

"But I … I …"

"Are you her husband? Boyfriend?"

Castle shook his head, a lump growing in his chest.

"Then I'm sorry."

Jim touched his arm. "I'll just go in for a minute and then you can see her."

Castle's mouth felt thick and dry. "Thank you."

**xxxxx**

She looked so small, so fragile. Nothing like the willowy woman with the mental energy of ten people; the Kate Beckett he was used to seeing. Castle thought his heart couldn't possibly feel any more pain than it already did but staring down at the strong, proud woman he loved, pale, breathing only because of a machine, he felt a stab in his chest that literally bowed his shoulders.

"Kate," he sobbed. "Don't leave me. I love you."

The surgeon was clearly moved. "She's damned lucky to be alive at all. If the bullet had landed a couple of millimetres to the right … " Castle swallowed hard. "… there wouldn't have been anything anyone could do. She'd have died within minutes." He cleared his throat. "I promise we'll take good care of her Mr. Castle."

Castle turned his head in surprise. He'd never mentioned his name.

The other man smiled weakly. "Yes, I recognized you. We'll do everything we can for her. I promise you that."

_You can't protect her from herself,_ he thought sadly. _She has to want to live._ Aloud he said, "Can I stay with her?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. No visitors in the ICU."

"I need to be with her."

"I'm sorry. You can come back tomorrow - " he checked his watch and corrected himself, "- later today for another ten minute visit at six o'clock. Visiting hours and procedures are strict here given the seriousness of the patients' conditions in this ward."

"I understand," Castle choked out. "Call me if there's any change."

The surgeon held out the clipboard for him to write his number. "The minute anything changes we'll call."

"Day or night."

The surgeon patted his arm. "Go home and get cleaned up. I need to do the same."

Tears pricked his eyes again when he looked back and forth between them, realizing the surgeon's green scrubs were as stained with Kate's blood as his black funeral suit was. Her blood, her life, poured out on both of them. One man her friend, partner, would-be lover, who'd promised to save her but couldn't, the other a stranger who didn't know her from Eve but whose promise was just as strong. From the lowest depths of his heart he was grateful.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely. "Thank you," and he took one last look at Kate before clenching his teeth and walking out of the room.

**TBC**

**A/N: **I haven't forgotten about Always - the finale kind of sent my muse off into a corner from which I'm finally emerging. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?) I've also got several ideas for post finale stories, so I'm going to try to write them concurrently. I do hope you enjoy all of my stories. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~**

_Chapter Two - Shadow Moon_

He tried to be quiet, as mindful as he could be about everyday things, but the click of the door as he came in woke Martha all the same.

"Richard dear." She hurried over and gathered him into her arms, making him feel small though he was so much bigger than she.

"I'm sorry for waking you, mother." He held her tightly, making no move to let go.

"How is she?"

"Alive. Barely." He swallowed hard.

"Darling, don't lose hope."

"I'm trying, but it's hard. She is so bound and determined to find her mother's killer that she just can't see anything else. She didn't see the danger in unearthing something no one wants known. Or maybe she just didn't care."

"What happens when she finds out the truth and solves it - assuming she does?"

"You mean what is she going to do once she doesn't have this obsession to focus on?"

Martha nodded.

Castle shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think she realizes what it's going to be like once she doesn't have this driving her anymore. I don't think she'll be the same person."

"Will you still love her?"

He needed no words to answer.

"Try to get some rest. It's late and I suspect the next few days are going to be tough."

"I won't sleep until she wakes up." Castle walked over to the living room and sat on the couch.

"What if she never does?" Martha asked gently, joining him.

"Don't even think it," he said fiercely. "Do you know what it feels like to lose the person you love more than anything in the world?"

"Yes."

Curiosity piqued, his anger and frustration waned. As always, she read everything In his face.

"Your father."

"My fa ... I thought you said you didn't know who my father was?"

"I lied."

"Why? Why would you lie to me about something like that?"

"Because knowing the truth would have done you no good. He was long gone before you were even born."

"He left you?"

She shook her head sadly. "He never knew how I felt about him."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"Why haven't you told Kate?" she countered. "Same reason. I was afraid." She looked across the room, out the darkened window, eyes misty with remembrance. "By the time I'd screwed up my courage, it was too late. He'd fallen in love with someone else and I was pregnant ... I knew he'd do the right thing and marry me because of the baby but it wouldn't have been the same. He'd have done it out of obligation, not love."

"So you just let him walk away?"

"I let him live his life and be happy."

"And you?" he asked softly.

"I did what you do, Richard. I tried not to let anyone else get too close because relationships seldom work out and being hurt is no fun." She took one of his hands in hers. "It pains me to see you've learned from my example. Try to do it right with Kate. Be a good example for Alexis and Ashely, bless their dear hearts. It's good to see young love so happy." She touched his cheek softly. 'It's not too late for you either."

He smiled sadly. "I hope not."

**XXXXX**

Waking up was the most painful thing Kate had ever experienced. Much worse than being shot, at least then she'd had only thirty seconds of intense pain and it had been muted by shock. Then she'd passed out. Every breath now was agonizing, as if someone were trying to rip her chest apart. She'd have cried if she were able.

"How are you doing, dear?"

Kate's eyes focused, recognizing her surroundings and finally coming to meet those of the nurse by her bedside. She opened her mouth but no sound came out; it was blocked by a breathing tube.

The nurse touched her arm. "I know it hurts like you've been run over by a truck. Not that I've ever experienced it myself but patients tell me being shot is like no other kind of pain they've felt before."

She would have nodded in agreement but her head felt like lead.

"You hang on, honey. I'll get Dr. Marks. He wanted to see you as soon as you woke up." She smiled brightly from the doorway. "My name is Kate, by the way. Should be easy for you to remember."

Left alone without the nurse's cheery presence, Kate felt the pain take over and not just the physical either. Her heart was heavy and sore, full of the pain of Montgomery's sacrifice, of the words Castle had spoken to her - so willfully rejected yet undeniably true ... full of the utter confusion and terror of what was to come now that she had become the hit man's last target. Mind muddled by pain and medication, she was unable to think beyond 'what if he tries to kill me again?'

"Hello Ms. Beckett." A tall dark-haired man entered her room. "I'm glad to see you're back with us." He smiled. "I'm Dr. Samuel Marks. I'd shake your hand but I'm not sure you've up to even that at the moment." He picked up her chart and compared it to the plethora of machines she was hooked up to. "Things are looking good here. If this continues, we can remove the ventilator and you'll be good to breathe on your own. I can't tell you how good that will feel." He touched her hand comfortingly. "Take it easy and try not to worry Ms. Beckett. You're in good hands."

**XXXXX**

"She's awake!" Castle sank down onto the kitchen stool, legs shaking so much he was afraid he might fall over if he didn't sit.

Martha put down the plate she was drying and hugged him. "Thank god. Is she going to be okay?"

He gulped. "The doctor says her vitals are beginning to stabilize and if they stay that way she'll be off the ventilator and on the road to recovery." His sigh of relief left him trembling and he dropped his face into his hands.

Martha rubbed his back. "I told you she would make it. She's one tough cookie, Kate Beckett, and she wouldn't let a little thing like being shot stop her."

He raised his head and smiled weakly. "I guess this is one case where 'I told you so' is a good thing."

"You should listen to your mother, Richard. She always knows best." She patted his shoulder.

"Yes mother."

**XXXXX **

Ryan tried hard not to show his surprise. Beside him he could tell his partner was doing the same.

For three days the precinct had chugged on under its own impetus even though the man at the helm was gone. Cases needed finishing, paper filing and they'd all been trained well enough to do what was necessary without supervision. Team Beckett, currently Beckett-less, had passed on new cases, leaving those for the other two homicide teams at the twelfth.

Today was the day the new Captain was arriving for work and the half of Beckett's team that was still standing was first in line for the meet and greet.

"Detective Ryan and Detective Esposito, is that correct?"

Both men nodded, slack jawed.

"I'm Captain Meyers. Angela Meyers. Pleased to meet you."

They shook her hand in turn, each stumbling over a polite introduction. Initial shock worn off, Ryan's cop instincts and training came to the surface and he began to observe her. She couldn't have been more than forty five; lines around her eyes showed she wasn't as young as she looked, but she had to have been at least forty as he knew regulations required a position of seniority to have at least fifteen years prior experience. She wasn't tall but she was slim and trim, an attractive body made more so by the cut of her clothing. Much like Beckett, he couldn't help but compare. But where Beckett had dark, cloudy hair and mysteriously changeable hazel eyes, Angela Meyers had long blonde curls and piercing blue eyes. The two were nothing alike in facial structure either but they both wore professionalism and dedication to the job in a similar set of the jaw.

"I understand your leader is indisposed," she said delicately.

"Yes, detective Beckett was shot by a hit man three days ago."

"I read the files. How is she doing?"

"Castle called in a short while ago to say she was awake," Esposito offered.

"Castle - that's Richard Castle, the author, yes?"

"Yes."

"I gather from what I've read that he assists with your investigations now and then."

"Yes, yes he does," Ryan confirmed, somewhat nonplussed by the 'now and then'. "Fairly often in fact. We've come to think of him as a de facto member of our team."

"Don't get too used to the idea. Civilians don't belong here."

The two detectives shared a dark look.

"I'm glad Beckett is okay. Hopefully she'll be back to work fairly soon. Getting back up on the horse and all ... in the meanwhile, detective Ryan, you're the lead for this team. I'll try to do some reassigning so you get at least one more member, hopefully two."

"Thank you, sir ... uh, ma'am ... uh, what should we call you?"

"'Captain will do fine." She threw them both a dazzling smile. "Carry on with your duties gentlemen."

Their dark heads bent together briefly as they walked out of her office and back to their desks. "I have a feeling this isn't going to go well," Ryan muttered.

"You said it, bro."

**XXXXX**

"Katie." Jim couldn't stop the tears filling his eyes at the sight of his girl, awake and breathing on her own. He sat on the edge of the bed and took her cool hand into his warm ones. "You had us worried there, sweetie."

She smiled weakly. "Sorry," she whispered, voice sounding thick and new as if it were the first time she'd ever used it.

"It's okay, just don't do it again. I can't face the thought of losing my girl." His voice cracked. "I love you too much to let you go so soon. I want you around for a good long time yet." He smiled. "There's someone else who feels the same way I do and I'm sure he'll be here soon. He hasn't missed a visit yet."

A pained look crossed her face and hurt shone from her eyes. "I don't want to see him."

"What? Katie, Rick loves you. He's been worried sick about you."

"I don't want to see him," she whispered, a familiar stubborn set to her chin.

"But ... "

"Dad."

Jim sighed. "Okay, I'll let him know you're not up to seeing visitors yet." He watched, perplexed, as she shut her eyes tightly, sure that there were tears she was trying to hide.

**XXXXX**

As he'd predicted, Castle arrived just as he was leaving Kate's room. Jim Beckett drew in a long breath, knowing this was going to be difficult.

"Jim," Castle said, shaking his hand. "How is she?"

"Comparatively speaking, better."

"I know I'm a little late but do you suppose they'll let me see her for a few minutes?"

Jim shifted uncomfortably. "She uh ... doesn't want to see you, Rick."

"What? I don't ... I ... why?"

"I don't know," the older man admitted. "I would guess she's just confused and overwhelmed and maybe not ready to face her feelings yet. Give her some time. She'll come around."

Castle nodded understandingly but Jim could see the hurt he couldn't quite hide in his eyes.

"Give her time. She needs you, she just doesn't know it yet, or maybe just isn't ready to admit it. This is Katie, after all."

"You're right. I'll just - " Castle made a helpless gesture, " - stay here for a bit. I'm not quite ready to leave just yet."

"I understand." Jim touched the big man's shoulder. "I'll see you soon."

Castle nodded wordlessly. Jim walked away, leaving him alone with his confusion and sorrow but couldn't help but turn and look back several times. The look on Rick Castle's face brought tears to his eyes.

**TBC**

**A/N: Thank you to all of you for reading, and for putting this story on your alert/favourite list. I'm happy so many of you are enjoying it! Know that I haven't forgotten Always and am still diligently working on that one too, and will be posting more chapters very soon. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~**

_Chapter Three ~ The Sound of Silence_

**xxxxx**

_She doesn't want to see you, Rick._

Well ... he deserved it. It hurt like hell and beyond but he deserved it. It was stupid of him to think that just because he'd blurted out those three words she'd forgive him. Too little, too late. She'd just been shot in the chest; pain had likely blotted out everything else. She probably hadn't even heard him. Her eyes had registered nothing but shock as he'd held her in his arms.

Now all she would remember would be the days that had come before the funeral ...

_"No one outside this family needs to know the truth. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero."_

_They rose to leave, Esposito manfully holding his head high, Ryan crying unashamedly. Castle held back, wanting to have a moment alone with Kate. Her blank face as she'd spoken had scared him._

_"Dismissed," she said shortly, not meeting his eyes._

_"Kate - " He crossed the room and shut the door. "Talk to me."_

_"I think we've talked enough. You are the last person I want to talk to right now."_

_"I know what I said before wasn't easy to hear, but ... "_

_"Wasn't easy to hear?" Kate's eyes narrowed. "You betrayed me, Castle. You went against me, asked me to turn my back on everything I believe in, everything I hold sacred. You wanted me to give up the only thing that's important to me, now, when I'm so close to knowing the truth. Worse yet, and the one thing I will never forgive you for, is dragging me away and letting Roy die alone. That's not how we do things." Her voice vibrated with emotion. "You don't understand us. You don't understand me. You don't belong here. I've let you hang around and play pretend long enough. I'm done. We're done."_

_"Kate, please."_

_"Get out, Castle."_

_He stared at her angrily, no words coming._

_"I said get out. And after Roy's funeral is over I expect never to see you again."_

_Sorrow and anger hardened his face as he glared at her before stalking out._

Castle dropped his head down into his palms and tried not to cry. He'd made the hard choice, attempting to save her life, but had ended up losing her anyway.

Time passed, footsteps came and went but it wasn't until he heard a familiar name - her name - spoken that he raised his head.

"Castle?"

"Josh." He acknowledged the other man's presence but didn't stand.

"Kate's father called me - "

"She's in the ICU down the hall," Castle said wearily.

"Have you seen her?"

"Not since they brought her in." At Josh's perplexed expression he added, "I'm not family."

"Neither am I." The big man sat heavily next to him.

"They'll let you in. You're her boyfriend."

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

Josh sighed. "I'm not really sure what we are, to be honest."

"Oh?"

"We haven't exactly broken up but she's been really aloof these last couple of months."

"Really."

"I don't get it. She said she wanted me to be around more, stay in New York so we could see each other more often yet she's always busy when I call and though she says she'll call back for a raincheck, she never does. I know the two of you are pretty close - do you have any idea what's been going on with her?"

Castle let out a hollow laugh. "Believe me, I have less of a clue than you do. You know Kate, she's a control freak who doesn't like to share her feelings with anyone."

"Have you tried talking to her? I mean, I have, but she doesn't - "

"I've tried." Castle stood. "The end result is that she wants me out of her life."

Josh stood as well. "I'm not entirely sure she wants me in her life either."

"I don't think Kate Beckett honestly wants anyone in her life. She wants to interact with people when it's her choice to but she won't ever let anyone in. As soon as you try to get closer, she pushes you away."

Josh frowned and gave him a curious look.

"Go be with her, Josh. She may not know what she wants but she needs someone to be there for her right now."

Castle walked away, squeezing his eyes closed to hold back the tears.

**xxxxx**

A soft hand touching his shoulder brought Javier Esposito back to the present.

"What are you looking at, lover?" Lanie's arms slid down his chest from behind, hugging him as he sat.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Can't be nothing. You've been staring out the window for ages."

His temper, simmering close to the surface, flared. "It's been a rough couple of days, Chica," he said angrily.

"I know," she said soothingly.

"First Montgomery, now Beckett ... there's still someone out there who doesn't want the truth known. We're all in danger until we wrap it up." He balled up a fist and hit his other hand with it. "I just feel like everything is falling apart."

"I know how you feel."

"How can you know how I feel? You deal with dead people all day. They mean nothing to you. These were my friends, people I love. People I trust. To find out - " He stopped, remembering that he wasn't supposed to confide in even her.

"To find out what, Javi?" She frowned.

"That I'm going to lose them all ... " He growled and stood suddenly, breaking out of her arms. "I need to go out."

"Where are you going?"

"Just out."

**xxxxx**

"You're worried, aren't you?" Jenny smoothed back Ryan's already perfect hair.

"I'm not worried."

"Yes you are. I know that little crinkle you get on your forehead when you're anxious."

He smiled weakly. "You know me too well."

"I am marrying you. I'm supposed to know you better than anyone."

"You do." He took her hand and entwined their fingers. "I guess I shouldn't worry so much about Beckett. Castle says she's going to recover from the gunshot wound and we caught the shooter, although there's still the guy at the top to worry about ... "

"Is something else bothering you?"

He sighed. "The new captain. She's ... she's ..." He stopped, unable to find the right words. "She's not like Montgomery. Of course I knew his death would change things but I fear she's going to run the precinct differently and some of us aren't going to be very happy with the way she does things." He looked directly into her eyes. "I fear for Beckett most of all. It's hard enough for her, knowing the captain died saving her, but I think she's going to have a hard time adjusting to the changes Meyers is going to make."

"Like?"

"Getting rid of Castle, for starters."

"Oh no, but I thought he helped you with your cases."

"He does but not everyone agrees that civilians belong in police work. I think we're going to have a tough time proving to her that we need him."

"Do you need him?"

He looked at her straightly. "Beckett does."

**xxxxx**

Castle took another sip of scotch - Johnny Walker black label; only the best for him - letting it tingle on his tongue for a minute before swallowing. It burned in just the right way, enough to dull the edge of the heartache that pounded like a drum in his chest.

"Richard?"

The door clicked and Martha walked over to join him. "Darling, are you all right?"

He took another large sip and stared into the fire.

"Is it Kate? Is she okay?"

"She's fine."

"Did you see her?"

He swallowed, trying to push the pain down but failing. "She doesn't want to see me."

"Doesn't want to ... why ever not?"

Castle finally turned to face her. "It's over," he said dully. "She doesn't want me around any more."

Martha's face crinkled in surprise. "I don't understand. What happened?"

He took a deep breath. "I told her I wanted her to back away from this. Leave her mother's case alone. That it would kill her."

"It very nearly has."

"We exchanged a few other words as well and the upshot of it was that it's over. She told me she didn't want me around any more."

"Well naturally she was upset ... "

"We talked again before Montgomery's funeral and she reiterated her desire to be rid of me." Tears began to prickle in his eyes and he blinked to keep them back. "I know she was upset and emotional, angry at me for telling her what she didn't want to hear ... I figured she might forgive me later, once it was all over and she had a chance to cool down. But then she was shot - " His voice grew strangulated. "I thought she was dying and I'd never have a chance to tell her ... I told her I loved her."

"Richard." She reached a hand out and touched his arm.

"I told her I loved her and I thought it would make a difference." He looked back into the flames. "But it didn't. She still doesn't want me around."

"Give her time, dear. She's coping with a whole lot more than even your wild imagination can come up with. Let her rest and recover and then see what she has to say."

"I'm sure it won't be anything good."

"You may be surprised. Kate cares for you, that much is clear even to me. Maybe it just isn't clear to her yet. I'll tell you - at the funeral, just before she was shot, when she said something about making a stand and finding someone to stand with you? The look she gave you was ... was ... was as if a revelation had just occurred to her. You've stood by her side through thick and thin these last couple of years and I think maybe she's taken for granted that you'll always be there. In that moment I saw in her face the realization of just what that means to her."

Castle looked over at his mother.

"Fight for her, Richard. Don't just let her slip away like she doesn't matter to you. She's a strong woman - headstrong, obstinate, forthright - all of those qualities are why you fell in love with her. Don't let them drive you away. She needs you to prove that you're just as strong as she is and that you'll be there no matter what comes."

**xxxxx**

_What about you, Rick?_

_"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner. Your friend."_

_"Is that what we are?"_

She couldn't stop the conversation from replaying in her head over and over since waking up. It still left her stomach feeling as knotted up and her heart as desolate as the first time they'd had it. What if he'd just answered glibly as was his usual custom instead of forcing honesty upon her? What if she'd actually responded to his plea for clarity instead of letting fear and anger take over and pushing him away? What would happen if they actually had that conversation and were honest about what they really wanted?

It was too late now. She had responded in typical knee-jerk fashion, throwing up her barriers and forcing him out ... for good this time.

Her chest began to ache, as if she were trying to breathe through water. She closed her eyes, forcing the tears back.

The door clicked softly.

"Hey."

"Hey Josh." She tried to swallow over the lump in her throat.

"I'd hoped we might see each other again soon but this isn't quite the circumstance I was imagining." He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand.

Kate smiled weakly. "Wasn't exactly what I had in mind either."

"Kate ..." He let whatever he was was going to say drop and spoke instead with his eyes.

"Josh, please," she whispered. "I need to be alone right now."

"But I ... "

"It was sweet that you came to see me but I just want to be alone."

He stood stiffly, reluctantly letting go of her hand. "As you wish."

As the door closed behind him, tears squeezed out of the corners of her eyes.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~**

_Chapter Four ~ See the Light_

"How is she doing?"

The nurse, Serena, smiled. "She's doing well Mr. Castle." She consulted a clipboard. "Her breathing has improved twenty percent since yesterday's test and the doctor is pleased."

"So am I." He beamed.

"Do you want to see her?"

"No, I'll just stay out here and you can fill me in on the details."

Her brow crinkled. "I know it seems a funny thing to ask, you being the famous one and all, but … are you stalking Ms. Beckett? I mean you've been here every day for a week asking about her yet you never actually want to see her. And asking the nurses not to tell her you're here … "

She didn't have to finish.

"I do want to see her," Castle said softly, a lump growing in his throat. "But she doesn't want to see me. We're friends but we had a fight just before she was shot … she's angry with me still."

The nurse's face cleared. "Oh. I understand."

"I care for her very much - " he swallowed hard, " - and I want to make sure she's okay, even if I don't actually get to be with her."

Her eyes teared up. "Don't you worry, we're taking good care of her, Mr. Castle."

"I know you are." He touched her arm briefly. "I know this is a strange question but is she able to drink coffee yet?"

Serena giggled. "Of course not. Not in the ICU. Once she's transferred to a normal ward she should be able to eat and drink most things."

"Let me know when that happens."

She looked down at the clipboard again. "It should be later today or tomorrow if today's test results continue to show improvement."

"Call me." Her rapidly blushing face made him realize she'd taken it the wrong way. "I mean when Kate is transferred."

"You plan on bringing her coffee?"

Now it was his turn to blush. "It's kind of a … thing I do."

She smiled indulgently. "Every couple has something special. I'll call or have whichever nurse is on duty call as soon as she's moved."

"Thank you."

Richard Castle smiled to himself - just a little, as he sat in the back of the cab on the way home. It didn't occur to him until he was nearly there that the nurse had said 'every couple has something special.' _ Couple. She thinks we're a couple. _ Many people had thought so over the years they'd been working together. While it had always frustrated Kate, he'd secretly enjoyed people's assumptions that they were together. Now it was a bittersweet observation; at least before there had always been the possibility that it could yet be. Now it seemed farther away than the moon.

_Fight for her Richard. Don't let her slip away as if you didn't care._ He did care. Passionately. He'd never cared about anything more in his life, except perhaps Alexis. In a life where things had come and gone easily for him - relationships much too easily - _this_ really mattered. Kate Beckett mattered more than anything. She had to recover and he had to win her back, at least to the status of friend and partner, even if it never went further. Being with her had been a dalliance at first, a way to pass the time and indulge his physical attraction to her. Now he realized she'd become such a part of him, his heart and soul, that he couldn't envision living without her.

**xxxxx**

"Good work detective Ryan. You and your team have done us proud on your first case."

_Hardly our first case,_ Esposito thought grimly. _I'll bet we've been doing this as long as you have._

"I think this team works well together and I'd like to keep you together for now, although I have other plans for detective Esposito for the future."

"Captain?" he said, attempting to show deference.

"I see you've had some experienced in NARC. I'd like to place you there again as we're short men and our undercover operatives need to be brought in soon."

"With respect Captain … NARC really isn't my thing. I prefer homicide."

"Duly noted, however you go where the job takes you. Surely Captain Montgomery taught you that." Meyers frowned.

"Yes ma'am." Esposito wanted to argue but knew it was futile. The new captain had been around less than a week but already it was clear this was her territory and she was changing it up to reflect that difference in leadership. Antagonizing her would only put him in a bad place and he'd learned from Beckett that one couldn't just attack, sometimes it was best to stop and think things through several moves ahead and wait patiently for the right time to act.

He walked into the breakroom after she'd left, letting out a long drawn-out growl-like sigh as he refilled his coffee mug.

"I am going to kill that woman," Ryan whispered, following him in and holding out his mug for a refill as well.

"Ditto."

"At least Montgomery took care of his own. He cared about us and made sure we were happy." Ryan frowned. "Even what he did with Beckett; that must have torn him apart, knowing what he knew, knowing she desperately wanted to know, but knowing that finding out the truth would get her killed and having to hide it."

"I'm not sure I can forgive him for what he did," Esposito said, "but I'll bet Kate will have a much harder time. It was just another case for us. For her it was personal. But even still, I respect him for the job he did and the way he treated us all. He was a good man."

"Maybe we just have to give Meyers time. She's new and the mess she's walking into … I don't envy her."

"I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt so long as I stay here." Esposito put down his coffee and crossed his arms over his chest, obscuring his badge. "If she transfers me to NARC, all bets are off."

**xxxxx**

Kate took in as deep a breath as she was able. It felt good to be at least partially sitting.

"Thanks," she smiled at the nurse.

"Sara." The nurse smiled. "I'll bet you're happy to be out of the ICU."

"I'm happy to be alive."

Sara looked at her chart. "Bullet wound to the chest, partial lung removal. Yes, you're definitely lucky to be alive! I thought you were just another heart surgery patient."

"Just? You say that as if it's an everyday thing."

"It is around here." Sara smiled at her. "I'm glad you're okay and I'm very happy to meet you, Kate. Can I call you Kate?"

"Of course."

"I work the day shift Monday to Friday so you'll see a lot of me over the next little while. Jessie does evenings and Eric does overnights. The three of us will become your best friends until you're discharged."

"Which will be soon, hopefully. No offense."

"None taken. I understand people would rather be at home and in their own beds. That's where I want to see you as soon as possible too, but that means you have to listen and do as you're told, no pushing things no matter how good you feel."

Warmth flooded Kate's cheeks. "We only just met. How is it you know me so well?"

"I skimmed your entry papers. You're a police detective. Any woman that's gotten as far as detective must be used to giving orders, not taking them." She fixed her patient with a stern eye, though her lips still quivered with amusement.

"I promise I'll behave," Kate said meekly.

"See that you do." Sara's stern face melted into a grin, obviously her natural state. "I've got to go now. Several other patients need looking in on before I go off shift. Jessie will be in soon - meanwhile you know where the call button is if you need anything, right?"

Kate waggled it, wincing as the movement caused a sudden pain in her chest.

"I wasn't kidding. You know that old song Dem Bones? Well everything _is_ connected to everything and you have to be extraordinarily careful what you move and how you move it if you don't want to cause further damage."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kate said faintly. "Could I please have a drink before you go?"

"I shall see that one gets here pronto."

"Thank you."

She winced again as she shifted position, attempting to alleviate the growing pins and needles sensation in her legs. _This time it's going to take a whole lot longer to recover,_ her subconscious whispered. She'd been injured before in the line of duty but it had always healed quickly and she'd been back on her feet in no time. It wasn't going to be like that this time. She'd lost part of a lung and a whole lot of blood and there were internal scars to worry about as well as the obvious outer ones._ Let's talk about internal scars, shall we Kate? You've been racking them up like they're poker chips at Monte Carlo these last few weeks. Your mother, McAllister, Lockwood, Montgomery, Castle … _

She stopped there. It still hurt like a sucker-punch to the gut to think about him. _Maybe that's because you know you're being too hard on him. _No, of course not. He deserved to be shut out. He'd betrayed her. Said he supported her - hell, he'd been the one who first encouraged her, dipping his fingers into her life without asking and treating her mom's case like she was Nancy Drew and he was one of the Hardy Boys (Joe of course; Frank was too serious) and it was all just for fun. He'd pulled her along on this adventure, proclaiming to always be there for her when things got tough, but had then backed off just before the big reveal, leaving her naked and defenceless.

Betrayal.

It seemed to be a common theme among the men in her life. They all seemed to be trustworthy, professing faith in her and a desire to stand by her side, but in the end they all walked away. Abandoning her. Abandoning the ideals she stood for.

She could deal with Sorensen leaving. Royce going rogue. Even Josh putting his work first ahead of her. (Not like she was any better than he, really.) Montgomery was a different story, a much more complex one. She'd told him she'd forgiven him but inside she knew it was going to take time before the spoken word and the feelings in her heart united.

As for Castle … words couldn't even begin to describe how hurtful the things he'd said to her had been. _Maybe because he was dead-on. Did you ever think of that? _She didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to think about the way his face had looked when he'd knelt over her dying body, begging - pleading for her to stay alive and telling her what she'd always known in her heart but like him had been unwilling to face. He was a writer, for god's sake, not a cop, yet he'd put his own life on the line numerous times for her. Had followed her into dangerous situations willingly and had sometimes been the one to pull her out of them alive. She'd known for a long time somewhere deep inside that the reason he stuck around was love, plain and simple. He loved her and wanted to be with her, and if mostly ignoring his own career and putting his life on the line was the way to do it, so be it.

_They're going to kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that, at least think about how it'll affect the people who love you. Do you really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh? What about you, Rick?_

He hadn't been able to say it then but the look on his face had been clear enough. She may have been too angry to see it then but he was the only thing she could see when she closed her eyes now and every nuance on his expressive face yelled it out loud and clear.

"Oh Castle," she murmured, sighing and closing her eyes. "What am I going to do with you?"

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~**

_Chapter Five ~ Never in a Million Years_

"You want me to help?"

Jim stood and held his hands out to Kate. She shook her head and struggled to a standing position weakly.

"I can do it," she said through clenched teeth.

"Now you sound like you're three years old again." He smiled indulgently though she frowned.

"I'm not an invalid, dad."

"Yes you are," he said firmly. "At least for now. You were shot in the chest less than a week ago. You shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard."

"They want to send me home in a few days so I have to prove that I can take care of myself." She shuffled past him ungracefully to the washroom. "I'll be back in a minute."

Jim Beckett sighed and counted to ten. His daughter was no easier to reason with at thirtysomething than she'd been at three. He doubted she ever would be and in a way pitied whatever man she ended up with as a life partner, should she choose one. The poor man wasn't going to have an easy time of it.

Kate opened the door, looking a little pale.

"Come on." Jim strode forward and linked his arm with hers. "Let's get you back in bed."

"If I can't do it myself they won't let me go home," she argued. "I don't want to stay any longer than I have to!"

"And if you go home, push yourself too hard and rupture something internally, you'll be right back here having surgery again. Is that what you want, Katie?"

She flushed. "Of course not. I just … hate being dependent on people. I hate being here and not being allowed to do anything. Having people constantly waiting on me." She sank down on the bed, face pale, eyes darkly sunken shadows glowing like coals.

"There's no shame in admitting you need help," he said gently. "In fact it's good to have people who are willing to take care of you if and when you need it."

"Hmph."

He drew in a long breath. "I'd be happy to see you out of here and back home if I knew you'd let someone help you once you were there. You have two men who are worried sick about you, who are willing to help in any way they can. It's obvious they both care deeply for you but you're pushing them away. Why?"

Her hazel eyes grew stormy, appearing almost black. "I don't need … I don't want … " She stopped and swallowed.

"You don't want to let anyone get too close, do you? You're afraid to let anyone see you at less than your best."

"Dad - "

He waved it away. "I understand where the feelings come from, trust me, and I know only too well there's a whole lot more that's keeping you from putting your heart on the line. These are good men who both clearly adore you, but they're not going to stick around forever waiting for you. Love is a two-way street Katie, and if you're only going one way, you're not getting anywhere. You don't want to lose them both because you're afraid. Growing old alone is no fun. I know." A shadow darkened his eyes. "I know you feel like you lost your life when your mother died. So did I. But I'd already had my chance at romance, marriage and family. Yours is still ahead of you. Don't waste it because you're afraid to let them see you're not always strong." He smiled sadly. "They're neither of them stupid, Katie. They know you better than you think."

"Dad - " This time she stopped herself, tears choking back the words.

He stepped forward and took her hand. "Okay, I'll stop preaching at you now. You know I love you and that's the only reason I'm concerned for your future."

"I know." She pulled at him weakly and he leaned in and gave her a gentle hug.

"Is there anything you need before I go?"

Kate shook her head. "I'm okay."

"I love you, kiddo."

"Ditto."

**xxxxx**

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes and blinked the sleep out of them was the Starbucks cup perched on the adjustable table beside her bed. Her tastebuds tingled and she could already taste the coffee, strong with two shots of caramel, just the way she …

Kate rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. Castle was the only one who knew exactly how she liked her coffee. He was also the only one who'd be daring enough to bring her Starbucks in the hospital. At first she was angry. _How dare he. He knows I don't want to see him._ Then her father's words rang in her ears. _You have two men who are worried sick about you who are willing to help you in any way they can._ She pondered the words._ A peace offering. It's a peace offering, Kate. He knows you're upset, hurt, but he's still there, trying to take care of you. _ A slow, steady ache began to take root in her heart, yet somehow she still couldn't bring herself to touch the cup.

The door opened softly and a familiar head poked into the room, followed by a uniform-clad body. "Good evening, Kate. How are you doing?"

Kate smiled. "Pretty well, thanks. How are you Jessie?"

The nurse smiled back as she bustled around the room, attending to her duties. "Oh, I'm fine, love. The little one, Emmy, had a bit of a fever this morning so I kept her home from school but by three o'clock she seemed fine so I left her with her aunt and here I am."

"I'm glad she's feeling better."

"It's always so worrisome when they're sick, you know? Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. This is a cakewalk in comparison." She grinned at Kate and the older woman's warmth and compassion filled her soul with something like sunshine.

"Can you get up for a few minutes so I can make the bed? Thanks."

Kate slowly lifted her legs to hang over the edge, careful not to wince; she knew her every move was being watched and recorded. She slipped off the bed carefully while Jessie deftly stripped the sheets.

"Are you planning on having a family someday, Kate?" she asked conversationally.

"I don't know." Her cheeks grew warm. "I guess I haven't really planned that far ahead - "

" 'Spose having a man would be helpful for that too," the nurse chuckled.

"I have one. Sort of," Kate amended.

"Oh?"

Kate bit her lip. "It's complicated."

"Oh."

Kate flushed. In just one syllable the woman had said more than Kate herself could have gleaned from a suspect in an hour's worth of questioning. "Speaking of complicated … where did the coffee come from?"

Jessie's eyes flicked to the Starbucks cup then dropped back down to her work. "I don't know, love."

Kate knew she was lying. "Yes you do."

Jessie looked up and there was a guarded look in her eyes. It was one the detective knew well. "Tell me."

"The nurse stood her ground for a moment, then the words exploded out of her as if she couldn't keep them in any longer. "He said not to." She looked relieved, as if having to lie was the most painful thing she'd had to endure in many a day.

"Tell me, Jessie."

She faltered under Kate's force. For the first time since meeting her patient, she was getting a taste of Kate Beckett, the unyielding detective, rather than the vulnerable patient.

"It was Mr. Castle."

"I knew it."

"Then why did you ask?"

"Confirmation. All hypotheses need confirmation before they become facts." Kate allowed herself a quick smug smile. "I'm sorry, I'm using my work jargon on you."

"It's okay. If nothing else it proves you're healing." Jessie smiled warmly. "Your mind is nearly ready to get back to it, now we just need your body to catch up. That's the tricky part."

"I had a feeling you were going to say that."

"Lay down, Kate dear." Jessie patted the freshly made bed. "You won't tell Mr. Castle I told you, will you?"

"I won't tell him but I'm sure he'll figure it out." At the nurse's chagrined face she added, "Don't worry, he'll understand. He knows there's no stopping me when I'm determined to find something out."

**xxxxx**

He was already in a cab on his way to the precinct when Castle realized his mistake. He'd run on autopilot since waking up; getting showered and dressed and heading out before he noticed he had nowhere to go. Where had he asked the driver to let him off? For a moment he couldn't remember, then he leaned forward. "Scratch the coffee shop and take me straight to the twelfth precinct please," he said politely.

The driver grinned. "You sure it's a good idea to skip your morning coffee?"

Castle grinned lopsidedly but it was without real humour. "I'm sure." To himself he whispered, "I'm not even sure it's a good idea to be showing up for work at all." But he had nowhere else to go. Nothing else to do. He could turn around and head back home but a part of him needed to be _here_, where they'd spent so much time together. If he couldn't be with her, he could at least be somewhere that reminded him of her. Seeing Ryan and Esposito would be good too. He'd missed them.

The atmosphere seemed tense as he stepped off the elevator. Castle frowned. It couldn't just be about Kate. As integral to the department as she was, the shock of her shooting would have worn off by now and things should have started getting back to normal. Besides, she was getting better. Everyone had to know by now that she was on the mend.

Castle walked purposefully over to Ryan and Esposito's desk. They were busily at work, on the computer and phone respectively. Neither of them looked amused.

"Hey guys."

"Oh hey, Castle," Ryan said, lifting his head up and blinking like an owl. Clearly he'd been staring mindlessly at his computer screen, pupils dilated. "What are you doing here?"

"I … " _Couldn't stay away. Had to be somewhere I could be near her_. He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

Ryan stood and clapped him on the shoulder comfortingly. "I know. But this really isn't the best place for you right now."

"I don't understand."

Esposito hung up. "The new Captain - " He stopped as his partner drew a quick finger across his throat.

"Well, well, well," said a female voice behind them. Castle and Esposito turned. "You must be Mr. Castle." She smiled and held out her hand. He took it. "You look just like your dustjacket photos. An amazing feat to be sure."

"You've read my books," he said politely. "I'm flattered."

"Every once in a while it's nice to curl up with some light reading. Nothing like the real thing of course but it's fun to read fluff now and then."

Castle's jaw tightened. "I'm glad you enjoyed them," he said tightly.

"I'm Captain Meyers. Head of the precinct."

"It's nice to meet you." But his voice sounded like he was anything but amused.

"I know you've done some consulting with the department in the past Mr. Castle. We thank you for your time and effort."

"Happy to help wherever I can." He gave her a small smile.

" - but I don't think we'll be requiring your services for the time being."

"Oh."

"It was nice meeting you," she said briskly, preparing to go. Obviously the conversation was over. "Send our best wishes along to detective Beckett if you see her, please."

"Will do," he said dully, watching her back as she strode away. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Kate didn't want him around. The precinct didn't want him around. He felt like he was losing everything that mattered to him.

**TBC**


End file.
